Dating After the Death of a Spouse

Jessica Bemis is a full-time, working mom of two who lost her husband to testicular cancer in November 2011. Since then, Jessica has been sharing her story on her blog, Hope for Young Widows and working to bring awareness and hope to women and men who have lost their spouses to cancer.

Dating after the death of a spouse can be an awkward experience. It can bring out feelings of guilt or betrayal in the widow or widower. It can also bring out feelings of confusion and concern from friends, family and those who were close to the deceased spouse.

I started dating again about a year after my husband died. It had been 11 years since I had been with anyone other than my husband. I took the year after his death to learn how to deal with being thrown into the full-time roles of parent, homemaker, animal caregiver, appointment scheduler, and child activity manager, as well as the sole financial provider.

It was exhausting, and dating was not at the top of my mind. When I knew I was ready to start to date again, I had frank discussions with my children about going on without their dad. I assured them that while there is a part of me that will always love their dad, it would be unrealistic to think I would live my life alone and sad. I have shown them that life is for living and we will continue to do just that.

There is no specific time period one should wait before dating again. The right amount of time to grieve is different for everyone, and at some point, a person just needs to be allowed to be happy again. Some people take years, others take weeks, and then there are those who choose never to date again. If a person was terminally ill, and the illness took a long time to run its course, the widowed person may have done a lot of grieving prior to the actual death and might be ready to date earlier than the “experts” predict. My husband was told he would be lucky to live two years post diagnosis. He survived 18 months after diagnosis. From the moment we got the news about my husband’s survival expectancy, I went into functioning like a single parent and we worked on getting things in order. But I also know that everyone is different.

Ready to Date Again

When I felt ready to at least test the dating waters, my girlfriends and I created an online dating profile for myself. I really didn’t want to go this route, but it seemed like the right thing to do to meet people in my age bracket. I went on two dates before I realized this was not the avenue for me to try and find a loving relationship. I decided I would just have fun with my girlfriends, children and enjoy my time to myself.

For me, learning to date became more about doing the things I enjoy and the hope of meeting someone while doing those things…for example, going to sporting events, running 5k’s, seeing movies, touring museums, and taking cooking classes. I learned that by doing the things I enjoy I might meet someone special. And, one evening at a Phillies game, I was very lucky to meet a wonderful man, who has become very special to me.

Once you to start dating someone special, it is important to defend your date when your friends and family learn you are dating again, there is the possibility they may not treat this new person in your life very well. The mistreatment may come in the form of a cold shoulder at family activities or constantly talking about the deceased person in front of the date. If you have family and friends who are doing this, they need to be told privately, but in a loving manner, that this behavior is not acceptable. If you wouldn’t let your family and friends treat your spouse that way, why would you tolerate that behavior toward someone else-especially when your date could become your future spouse? Your date needs and deserves to feel special. Treat your date in such a way that he or she feels like they are with someone who’s ready to move on. No one should have to compete with a spouse who has passed away.

I believe dating gives you the opportunity to open your heart to another person and the chance to experience the unique and exquisite joy that comes with falling in love again. It’s okay to talk about your deceased spouse, but set boundaries. Answer questions he or she may have about your marriage, but don’t spend all your time talking about your deceased spouse, or how happy you were with him. After all, your date is the one who’s here now. And, he or she might make you incredibly happy for years to come. Showing genuine interest in your date and getting to know his or her wants, interests and dreams go a long way towards starting a new life with someone else.

Part of the reason we are here is to live and enjoy life. And dating is a great way to start living again.

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Helping Your Children Memorialize Their Parent

Jessica Bemis is a full-time, working mom of two who lost her husband to testicular cancer in November 2011. Since then, Jessica has been sharing her story on her blog, Hope for Young Widows and working to bring awareness and hope to women and men who have lost their spouses to cancer.

In trying to find ways to celebrate Jim’s life I thought a lot about his favorite things to do, see, work, travel, etc. One way the boys and I have memorialized Jim each year since his death is by releasing balloons on his birthday. The boys write cards to Jim, and then we attach them to balloons and watch them disappear into heaven as if dad received them. It has helped the boys to have a connection to their father.

Some other ways to memorialize your spouse is by requesting that in lieu of flowers a donation be made to a charity or other organization in remembrance of the person; a tree can be planted accompanied by a plaque with your tribute; a trust can be set up to help surviving family members; etc. For us, we chose to memorialize Jim with an annual 5k race.

Jim was an avid runner; he had a passion for running and weight lifting. His dream was to own a gym one day. From spring through fall he would look forward to running in 5k races to support various charities. Jim had a great friend, Mike, who also enjoyed running or rather grew to enjoy running after a 5 mile run through Valley Forge Park. Mike reached out to me to discuss creating a 5k race in honor of Jim’s memory.

The event raises money for Bringing Hope Home, a local charity in the area. Bringing Hope Home helps families struggling to pay their bills while receiving cancer treatments. Aligning the memorial with Bringing Hope Home is a great way to give back to the community and honor Jim at the same time.

Here is Mike’s story…

As I grow older, I realize that some of the most life-changing events are the small but powerful interactions to which we often give inadequate meaning while we wait for the large things (marriage, children, career, etc.) to define us. You have all heard the word nudge. What does it really mean? While to many it may seem a small thing, a nudge is really a push, a stubborn unwillingness to give up, acquiesce, or settle for less than success. Jim epitomized what I call the powerful Tao of Nudge.

For those who knew him it is no surprise that, Jim was first and foremost a devoted family man; son, brother, husband and father. There are so many words that could be used to describe Jim: funny, loyal, determined, courageous, encouraging, forthright, caring, inspiring and loving. He brought these traits to bear in all that he did, whether it was work, running (one of his favorite pastimes), encouraging others, or hanging with friends and family.

Jim was the Tao Nudge in his triumphing repeatedly over adversity and teaching others to do the same, throughout his fight with cancer. Not only was his 18-month battle with cancer a fight he planned on winning, he remained a father, friend and a stubborn mule when it came to giving up or even getting upset at setbacks and nearly innumerable procedures. All the while Jim was an inspiration to me and surely many others. There was a moment, a run actually, that Jim and I went on as a training run leading up to my very first Valley Forge 5 miler..

Learn more about volunteering and registration for the 4Jim5K run.

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Talking to Your Kids About Your Spouse's Death

Jessica Bemis is a full-time, working mom of two who lost her husband to testicular cancer in November 2011. Since then, Jessica has been sharing her story on her blog, Hope for Young Widows and working to bring awareness and hope to women and men who have lost their spouses to cancer.

This is such a tough subject for me.

Telling my boys about the death of their father was very difficult for me and it took me two days after Jim died to tell them about it. That day was one of the hardest days of my life. 

We were in our living room, my mom was with us as well, and I sat the boys down and said I needed to talk with them about their dad. They sat on the floor with me and I said, “Dad isn’t coming home from the hospital, he is now an angel in heaven.” Matt, my youngest, asked, “Did dad die?” I said, “Yes.” I know they didn’t fully understand, at the ages of 3 and 5 years old what exactly death meant. There were times that they would ask to call dad in heaven.

Looking back, I learned that no matter the age, it is best to speak in black and white terms with young children. It helps them to better comprehend the situation. It helps them to understand the permanency of it.

Children experience overwhelming feelings when someone close to them dies – sadness, shock, anger and worry. The boys and I had to work together as a team to work through the reality of what had happened and manage the changes in their daily routine.

It’s important to create a safe and supportive environment for children to understand that their feelings and reactions are normal. Sometimes before bedtime I will check in with each of them individually, and ask if they would like to talk about dad, how they are feeling, and if they have any questions or concerns. They will frequently say, “No, Mom I’m good!” But it’s more about reaching out to them in the event they are afraid, nervous, or shy to open up and it is to reassure them that their voices will be heard.

Last year on Jim’s birthday, I took the boys to the Memorial Garden at the church where Jim’s remains are located. I expressed to them that this is another place where you can come to feel close to dad. I always tell them that their dad’s love is in their heart—like when they do something that their dad would have done, like playing basketball, running, playing video games, drawing, etc. I share with them that connection they have to their father. I always want them to know that just because their dad isn’t physically here with us, that there is a connection to him, that they had a dad who loved them more than anything else in this world.

When talking to a child about losing someone they loved, for me, it’s about communication, making them feel loved, knowing they will not be judged for anything they say, that they can be angry, annoyed, upset, cry – it’s about creating that environment where they have support. And, asking them for ways in which they would like to remember their loved one, so that they feel a connection.

There is a book called the Invisible String. It is a fabulous book about how no matter where the person you love is located there is an invisible string to their heart from your heart. I highly recommend this book to help children to open up and talk about their feelings and gain an understanding of loss.

Read Jessica's blog Hope For Young Widows, and connect with her on Facebook and Twitter. 

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Helping Someone Who Has Lost a Spouse to Cancer

Jessica Bemis is a full-time, working mom of two who lost her husband to testicular cancer in November 2011. Since then, Jessica has been sharing her story on her blog, Hope for Young Widows and working to bring awareness and hope to women and men who have lost their spouses to cancer. In this blog, she discusses ways in which friends and family can help after someone loses a spouse to cancer.

Read Jessica's blog, and connect with her on Facebook and Twitter. 


Do you need some ideas on how to help a friend going through the grief process after losing their spouse? I have put together a list of things that helped me while going through the mourning process.

 

Meal Schedule

After Jim died on November 20, 2011, I had so many friends and family members reach out to me and ask, “What can we do, how can we help?” My response, “I don’t know yet.” The day he died, two of my friends took the lead and organized a meal schedule for me and my sons that went well into late February 2012. It was so wonderful knowing that hot meals were going to be delivered for us. People made us feel so special with the time and effort they put into the meals, especially for the boys since they can be picky eaters.

Holidays

Since Jim died right before the holiday season began, and everything seemed so overwhelming…I didn’t know where to begin to ask for help. I knew I would need help with decking the halls. Fortunately, I had already done most of the shopping so I could focus on the wrapping and decorating. Two of my cousins came to the house and decorated the Christmas tree (it looked beautiful). I was so gracious to them for just coming over, taking the lead and doing it, because I probably wouldn’t have asked them to do so. My mom came to the house and helped me wrap all the gifts for the children, family, and friends. Another huge mission accomplished, but not by me asking - by her diving in and saying, “Let’s work together and get this done while the boys are in school.”

Babysitting

It is always good to have a great babysitter to call on when you have to get things done or just need a break. Fortunately, I had a list of about seven babysitters I could have called on for help after Jim died. Some were mother’s helpers and others I could hire to watch the boys so I could go out and run errands. Awesome babysitters ready and willing to help us out surrounded us.

Pet Care

The other awesome act of kindness that we received was pet care for our dog, Madison. A group of people hired a dog walker for about three months, and that was in addition to all of the friends, co-workers, family (and other dogs) in the neighborhood that were ready and willing to play and walk Madison almost any time of the day. It allowed me to focus on the house chores, the children, errands and so on. It was wonderful to know Madison was getting the exercise she needed and the attention she loves as well.

The Little Things

People so graciously took time out of their day to help us with so many tasks, but what stands out the most are the unexpected hugs, phone calls, text messages, emails, and cards from friends and family. They dropped off beautiful flowers, care packages filled with toys and games for the children, movies, and chocolate. Friends and family offered words of encouragement, love and support…that is what being a friend and having a family is all about…from this widow's perspective, you just want to feel like you are not alone. The grief process can be very isolating because peers aren’t experiencing the same thing. I’m thankful for family and friends taking the lead and recognizing the need for a meal schedule, dog walker, babysitter, help with shopping, decorating and wrapping for the holidays. But, most importantly always sharing a smile, a hug, and a laugh with me.

Depending on the individual, after a person loses a spouse, they may feel uncomfortable asking for help. They may not want to make you feel uncomfortable. To them, it may feel like they are burdening you with their needs, and so they don’t ask for help. Reach out and just let them know you are there for them.  It will be so appreciated and truly brighten their day.

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Hope and Support From a Young Widow

Jessica Bemis is a full-time, working mom of two who lost her husband to testicular cancer in November 2011. Since then, Jessica has been sharing her story on her blog, Hope for Young Widows and working to bring awareness and hope to women and men who have lost their spouses to cancer. In this blog, she discusses her life with her husband before and after his diagnosis, kids, marriage, 4jim5k , resources and creating a new normal.

Read Jessica's blog, and connect with her on Facebook and Twitter. 

The Diagnosis…

Jim was diagnosed with a rare form of testicular cancer on July 1, 2010. He was 38 years old.

Jim had a great sense of humor and whenever he would have to confront a tough situation, especially at work, he would take a deep breath grin and say, “It’s a journey!” instead of getting exasperated. And he faced cancer the same way.

On June 30, 2010, Jim came home from work and decided to go for what was supposed to be a five- mile run. But after about three miles, he didn’t feel right; he was experiencing shortness of breath. When he came home, his neck was swollen, he felt dizzy and his face looked really red. I took him to my local hospital's ER and after many tests the doctor came into the room and told us there was a grapefruit-size tumor in his chest.

The Journey

On July 1, 2010, the doctors confirmed that Jim had a rare form of testicular cancer, a nonseminoma germ cell tumor and they mapped out his treatment regimen. He would receive four rounds of chemo to shrink the tumor so that doctors could perform surgery to remove it. Following surgery, he would receive an additional round of chemo to ensure all cancer cells were gone. After this first round of chemo and surgery, Jim was disease free for approximately four weeks. Unfortunately, the disease returned and Jim’s doctor suggested he meet with doctors in Indianapolis, Indiana who specialize in this type of testicular cancer. Another surgery was performed, and he endured more chemo. Following this round of treatment and surgery, he was disease free for about three months.

The cancer showed up again near Jim’s chest area in May 2011. This time he was not a candidate for surgery. Jim’s last hope for a cure was going through chemo with stem cell treatment. Upon completion in October 2011, the cancer was in check, but he was not cured. Over the course of his 17- month treatment, the disease had spread near his heart, lungs, and neck. At this point, we all knew Jim would not be cured and our focus shifted to controlling the disease so that he could live his life with a sense of quality. Since Jim was not a candidate for major surgery to remove the disease, the doctor’s suggested a less invasive procedure to kill the cancer cells.

Jim went in for surgery on November 15, 2011, but he didn’t wake up. He lost a lot of blood and had a stroke. He was in a coma for five days before passing away peacefully.

Living With Loss

Today, I am learning to create a new normal for me and my boys, which means we are learning to embrace new routines, and start new traditions.

By sharing my experiences with other widows and widowers, I hope we can create a community of hope and support for each other.

Please join me here, as I contribute more articles for young widows and widowers, or visit my website www.hopeforyoungwidows.com.

Also, I invite you to share your own experience with me so we can learn to navigate the new normal together.

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