This is such a tough subject for me.
Telling my boys about the death of their father was very difficult for me and it took me two days after Jim died to tell them about it. That day was one of the hardest days of my life.
We were in our living room, my mom was with us as well, and I sat the boys down and said I needed to talk with them about their dad. They sat on the floor with me and I said, “Dad isn’t coming home from the hospital, he is now an angel in heaven.” Matt, my youngest, asked, “Did dad die?” I said, “Yes.” I know they didn’t fully understand, at the ages of 3 and 5 years old what exactly death meant. There were times that they would ask to call dad in heaven.
Looking back, I learned that no matter the age, it is best to speak in black and white terms with young children. It helps them to better comprehend the situation. It helps them to understand the permanency of it.
Children experience overwhelming feelings when someone close to them dies – sadness, shock, anger and worry. The boys and I had to work together as a team to work through the reality of what had happened and manage the changes in their daily routine.
Last year on Jim’s birthday, I took the boys to the Memorial Garden at the church where Jim’s remains are located. I expressed to them that this is another place where you can come to feel close to dad. I always tell them that their dad’s love is in their heart—like when they do something that their dad would have done, like playing basketball, running, playing video games, drawing, etc. I share with them that connection they have to their father. I always want them to know that just because their dad isn’t physically here with us, that there is a connection to him, that they had a dad who loved them more than anything else in this world.
When talking to a child about losing someone they loved, for me, it’s about communication, making them feel loved, knowing they will not be judged for anything they say, that they can be angry, annoyed, upset, cry – it’s about creating that environment where they have support. And, asking them for ways in which they would like to remember their loved one, so that they feel a connection.
There is a book called the Invisible String. It is a fabulous book about how no matter where the person you love is located there is an invisible string to their heart from your heart. I highly recommend this book to help children to open up and talk about their feelings and gain an understanding of loss.
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