Chemo In Louboutins

Susan L. Schwartz is a writer from London who was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin lymphoma in 1996, and Hodgkin lymphoma in 2012. She is currently undergoing treatment for Hodgkin lymphoma at the Abramson Cancer Center in Philadelphia. You can find her blogging at Chemo in Louboutins.

Nobody wants to go through chemo. It’s not on anyone’s bucket, to-do or wish list. In fact, I was never supposed to even have chemo…but then suddenly, I woke up with an IV in my arm.

I was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin lymphoma in 1996. It can grow very slowly and I was never treated. Then in 2012, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin lymphoma as well – just lucky, I guess. Hodgkin lymphoma is curable…so here I am now.

I live in London but I chose to have my treatment at the Abramson Cancer Center of the University of Pennsylvania Hospital under the care of Stephen Schuster, MD. My family lives in Philadelphia and my father is a breast cancer surgeon here. Needless to say, when it came time to find an oncologist, I looked for the best…finding one each in Philly, New York and in London (I like opinions!).

As my situation changed from “watch and wait” to “treat immediately,” I chose to have my chemo in Philadelphia. This was going to be almost six months of “fun” and it only made sense to be not only under the watchful care of Dr. Schuster but also the daily care of my father and mother.

Even with a doctor in the house, I was totally overwhelmed as I’m sure everyone is. I did a Google search and found tons of info - all going on about the negatives of chemo. No one mentioned the positives. The positives of chemo? Yes, these drugs were going to save my life. That to me is a big POSITIVE. Yes, my hair might fall out, I would feel sick to my stomach but that would be par for the course.

Still, I was filled with fear – of death, of missing out on the future, scared for my parents, my boyfriend, myself. Did this mean I would never get to Machu Picchu, never see my wedding, never get home to London? Beneath the surface was a miasma of destructive thoughts bringing me to the point of insanity. There had to be a way to deal with it. But how?

Susan Schwartz in Louboutins

Mine was my shoe collection. I am a shoe person. There are bag fetishists, clotheshorses, jewelry hounds. I scrimp and save to buy works of art from the world’s top cordwainer: Mr. Louboutin. The silly thing is I don’t wear them! I always joke that I wish I had the life my shoes deserve…cocktail parties, dinners, soirees that get you photographed in Tatler, Vogue, Bazaar. They sit there in my closet, little statues gathering dust, looking beautiful without ever tripping any light fantastic.

As I packed my bags in London to come Stateside, I looked at those gorgeous, untouched gems and knew they had to come with me. If I were going to a cocktail party every two weeks, then damn it, I was going to dress for one. No sweats, elastic waistband or “comfortable” clothes, I was going to look and feel glamorous. This party was invitation only and the dress code was glam.

Now I understand that not everyone has a Louboutin obsession, but I do know that everyone must have a Louboutin equivalent – a something special that makes you feel fabulous inside and out. It could be the Target scarf you love to tie around your hair Jackie O style or the pair of earrings you wore at your wedding. Whatever it is, this is the time to get them out and feel your best – even when you want to throw up. Don’t wait.

Will this really help me conquer all those fears? I don’t know. I am just beginning this journey and can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel – at least not just yet. Please stick with me and let’s get through it together.